Christmas 2005

I just realized today that this Christmas will be the first Christmas that our son, who is 18, will spend with his Dad. And it will only be the 2nd Christmas that our daughter, who is 19, will spend with her Dad. What a mess I made of things! It will also be the first Christmas that our children have spent with their other grandparents. I feel like a dog with his tail between his legs. I just hope that this is the beginning of many more Christmas' where people are forgiving and going on. I can't wait to see my daughter, who I haven't heard from or seen in 5 months. She will always be my daughter, no matter where she is. I also can't wait to be with our son for Christmas, who I have seen more often. They grow up so fast and I didn't get to do or say everything that I wanted to. Not even close. But I do hope that they know that their father and I have always loved them and have always wanted them and always will. You see, my parents told me repeatedly as a child that I was not planned, but my sisters were. Then when I grew older, they told me that they wished that they had never had me. I've never been in jail, never been drunk, never done illegal drugs, have never hit them(even though my mother hit me repeatedly as a child and as an adult). How do you deal with your parents that hate you and then blame you for it? I guess my way of coping at the moment is to stay away from them so they cannot hurt me further. I know that is not the best thing to do, but all I know to do at the present. I have tried to contact them. I called and my father answered the phone and said "who is this?". I have gone over to the house where I used to live with them and they wouldn't even come to the door. How does a person get over this? I think my daughter thinks that her parents treat her the same way, but there is no comparison. I have never and will never tell her or her brother that they were not planned or that I wished I had never had them. I want to be in their life and so does their Dad. We are trying and we will not give up. We may not do or say what they want us to do or say, but we are trying and we love them and pray for them. They are a part of us.