Thots on Christmas Trip
First things first: today is my birthday! I am stinking 45 years old! Never thot I'd get this old so fast. Flew home yesterday. every plane we flew on was late and none of the airports apologized or explained, just let us sweat it out wondering if: (a) we were at the right gate, or (b) our watches were right, or (c) we had the right day. supposed to get in at 10:57 p.m. and we actually got in at 11:45 and after getting our luggage and getting our car out of long term parking, we arrived home at 1:00 a.m. Happy Birthday! Didn't even unpack, just collapsed in bed.
Not so sure that flying is the way to go. did save time, but boy was it stressful, SMELLY, NOISEY, CROWDED, etc. But, did get to sit with my husband. that was a plus and he didn't have to drive a car for 22 hours.
As I posted before, I had misgivings, expectations, hopes, dreams about this trip. As the time got nearer to our departure, I became more and more anxious. anxious that the worst would happen, anxious that I would be rejected as I have been already. Things seemed to move along okay for most of the trip and I was handling it okay. then I lost it. I was trying VERY HARD to fit in, to not push myself on those who seemed to not want my company, but it was getting harder and harder-especially where my daughter was concerned. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her-which I did get to hug her once, but I neglected to tell her that I loved her. The problem is I didn't want to let her go. :( I didn't know when I would see her again or hear from her again or if I would ever see or hear from her again. I MISS MY CHILDREN. more than I thot. I did get to see my children have a good time, be accepted, loved, etc. Then there was an activity where I was waiting to take a picture of the whole group tubing on snow and as I waited, I witnessed a small girl wipe out. Then I realized that it was my daughter. I felt helpless to help her-tried to. As I continued to try to get pictures of the group, evidently my daughter thot that I would be so callous as to take a picture of her while she was upset from the "wipe out". I again went to her and asked if she was okay. Her response was so hurtful that I wish I could forget it, but its been playing in my mind like a broken record. I turned away and my brother-in-law was very kind to help me a little as did my husband. Then I decided I'd had enough. I was making all the effort and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I was angry, hurt, mad, crushed, etc. I cried for a day and a half. Also I looked through old photo albums that had pictures of all the cousins and saw how all of them had so much fun together, I started feeling guilt about leaving my husband when our kids were small. I talked with my mother and father in-law and of course my husband. My husband reminded me and assured me that I did the best I could That he had made it impossible to live with him and that it was his fault. And his mother agreed. There was a dinner and someone was "interviewing" my daughter about college and she was spilling the info like it was the most natural thing in the world. I have been emailing her for months asking for the same info and got nothing but silence. and then I had asked her about it the first night, and got "No Way". The hardest part was when they were saying goodbye. Have you ever had to watch your kids say goodbye to everyone around you but you and NO ONE is telling them "why don't you tell your parents goodbye". I wanted to cuss everyone out. My children wouldn't even be there telling them goodbye if I hadn't taken care of them, fed them, cared for them when they were sick, left their brother/son all these years ago. I thot how could they be so calloused? So I checked out while I cried bitter tears and fought with myself to not go and cuss them out.
THE GOOD PART: the next morning, I was still numb and despairing and angry and empty. So I started reading the Psalms until I came to verses like "restore unto me the joy of my salvation" and " saveth such as be of a contrite heart" and others. and just started praying the Psalms to God. I told God that my spirit was broken, wounded and only He could restore it and I needed restoring. I was reminded again of God's love and tenderness towards me. And God reminded me that I can't make people understand what I am going through and that most of the time people will not do what you want them to do. :) Then God gave me peace. Only His peace can help.
Not so sure that flying is the way to go. did save time, but boy was it stressful, SMELLY, NOISEY, CROWDED, etc. But, did get to sit with my husband. that was a plus and he didn't have to drive a car for 22 hours.
As I posted before, I had misgivings, expectations, hopes, dreams about this trip. As the time got nearer to our departure, I became more and more anxious. anxious that the worst would happen, anxious that I would be rejected as I have been already. Things seemed to move along okay for most of the trip and I was handling it okay. then I lost it. I was trying VERY HARD to fit in, to not push myself on those who seemed to not want my company, but it was getting harder and harder-especially where my daughter was concerned. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her-which I did get to hug her once, but I neglected to tell her that I loved her. The problem is I didn't want to let her go. :( I didn't know when I would see her again or hear from her again or if I would ever see or hear from her again. I MISS MY CHILDREN. more than I thot. I did get to see my children have a good time, be accepted, loved, etc. Then there was an activity where I was waiting to take a picture of the whole group tubing on snow and as I waited, I witnessed a small girl wipe out. Then I realized that it was my daughter. I felt helpless to help her-tried to. As I continued to try to get pictures of the group, evidently my daughter thot that I would be so callous as to take a picture of her while she was upset from the "wipe out". I again went to her and asked if she was okay. Her response was so hurtful that I wish I could forget it, but its been playing in my mind like a broken record. I turned away and my brother-in-law was very kind to help me a little as did my husband. Then I decided I'd had enough. I was making all the effort and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I was angry, hurt, mad, crushed, etc. I cried for a day and a half. Also I looked through old photo albums that had pictures of all the cousins and saw how all of them had so much fun together, I started feeling guilt about leaving my husband when our kids were small. I talked with my mother and father in-law and of course my husband. My husband reminded me and assured me that I did the best I could That he had made it impossible to live with him and that it was his fault. And his mother agreed. There was a dinner and someone was "interviewing" my daughter about college and she was spilling the info like it was the most natural thing in the world. I have been emailing her for months asking for the same info and got nothing but silence. and then I had asked her about it the first night, and got "No Way". The hardest part was when they were saying goodbye. Have you ever had to watch your kids say goodbye to everyone around you but you and NO ONE is telling them "why don't you tell your parents goodbye". I wanted to cuss everyone out. My children wouldn't even be there telling them goodbye if I hadn't taken care of them, fed them, cared for them when they were sick, left their brother/son all these years ago. I thot how could they be so calloused? So I checked out while I cried bitter tears and fought with myself to not go and cuss them out.
THE GOOD PART: the next morning, I was still numb and despairing and angry and empty. So I started reading the Psalms until I came to verses like "restore unto me the joy of my salvation" and " saveth such as be of a contrite heart" and others. and just started praying the Psalms to God. I told God that my spirit was broken, wounded and only He could restore it and I needed restoring. I was reminded again of God's love and tenderness towards me. And God reminded me that I can't make people understand what I am going through and that most of the time people will not do what you want them to do. :) Then God gave me peace. Only His peace can help.
posted by Unknown at 7:12 AM
1 Comments:
I'm sorry, and I'm praying for you
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