Hiding From Love
Been reading a book lately that is really helping me. It is called: Hiding From Love, How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you. by Dr. John Townsend.
It explains a lot of why I react the way I do to hurt. The most helpful thing I read in this book is that the degree that you have been shown unconditional accepting love (mostly from your immediate family while growing up) is how you are able to handle hurts and how well you can heal from them. Does it ever seem like some things just don't affect some people? That they are able to "shake it off" and "suck it up"? Its because they have had a very secure upbringing with lots of love and acceptance. They really can shake it off or suck it up. Then there are people like me that were told (not in the so distance past) how unloved they are and unwanted, etc.
The book talks about seeking out relationships with people that accept you for who you are: your "yes" and "no". People that encourage you to be "you". Especially if you have had really destructive relationships with people that you have loved and thot they loved you.
Some quotes from the book that I particularly like:
"The family with troubled children is often a sign of some sort of struggle in the parent's lives"
"The problem with pointing blame at the wounded person is that this absolves the helper of a hurting person of any responsibility. If the depression or eating disorder continues after the "sin" has been confronted, the counselor can simply say, "Well, I told him to stop. It's up to him to listen to my advice." That's an easy out for the helper. THIS IS A SOURCE OF MUCH DESTRUCTIVENESS IN CHRISTIAN CIRCLES TODAY."
"Some people have "split off" their loving characteristics because love resulted in abandonment."
"This is where the resources of God can clearly emerge in all their varied ways: closely knit relationships in local, growing churches; time in God's Word; thoughtful, fervent prayer for ourselves and others; reliance on God's Spirit; and exposure to helpful biblical teachers on areas of healing growth can make a great difference in helping us come out of hiding."
There are so many other quotes that are so good, but it would take pages to type it here. Just read the book!
Note: If you really want to know what people think of you, try saying "no" to them. It will also show you just how much control they think they have over you. Case in point: I have played the piano in a church setting for about a year now. I decided recently to stop playing. I did not tell the "church" of my decision (other than one person who I knew could not keep their mouth shut: "tell a woman..."). Since I have stopped playing, church members (2 of them deacons) have slapped me on the leg, saying "shame on you, why aren't you up there playing? That was one incident. Another was a deacon turned around and shook his finger at me like I was being bad. Another deacon came up to me and said, "why aren't you up on the platform playing the piano? I said, "why aren't you up there singing? :) Then the deacon said, "well, we love you anyway." WOW. Needed that reassurance. Ha Ha. Am I only deemed necessary only if I play the piano? Which, by the way, there are approximately 10 people in the church that can also play the piano/keyboard. Just because I can do something, is it wrong to not do it? Do I owe it to anyone to play just because I can? If there was a genuine need and there was no piano player, I would play! There! got that off my chest.
By the way, my husband is trying to dodge these fools that give me their "judgements", but he can't be everywhere at one time. He is supportive of my decisions and does not "make" me do something that I don't want to do. But he does love me unconditionally and is concerned when I am hurting and tries to help me. He has admitted that he has hurt me greatly in the past and that helps to hear him admit it-it is healing to me. But he is human and has needs to. He is able to handle adversity better than me because he comes from a very accepting family and very non-judgemental. I pray that I haven't done too much damage to my children that they cannot handle adversity in a healthy manner. But if they have trouble, that they will seek help and that it be from people that are in a healthy place and not someone who is trying to control them.
It explains a lot of why I react the way I do to hurt. The most helpful thing I read in this book is that the degree that you have been shown unconditional accepting love (mostly from your immediate family while growing up) is how you are able to handle hurts and how well you can heal from them. Does it ever seem like some things just don't affect some people? That they are able to "shake it off" and "suck it up"? Its because they have had a very secure upbringing with lots of love and acceptance. They really can shake it off or suck it up. Then there are people like me that were told (not in the so distance past) how unloved they are and unwanted, etc.
The book talks about seeking out relationships with people that accept you for who you are: your "yes" and "no". People that encourage you to be "you". Especially if you have had really destructive relationships with people that you have loved and thot they loved you.
Some quotes from the book that I particularly like:
"The family with troubled children is often a sign of some sort of struggle in the parent's lives"
"The problem with pointing blame at the wounded person is that this absolves the helper of a hurting person of any responsibility. If the depression or eating disorder continues after the "sin" has been confronted, the counselor can simply say, "Well, I told him to stop. It's up to him to listen to my advice." That's an easy out for the helper. THIS IS A SOURCE OF MUCH DESTRUCTIVENESS IN CHRISTIAN CIRCLES TODAY."
"Some people have "split off" their loving characteristics because love resulted in abandonment."
"This is where the resources of God can clearly emerge in all their varied ways: closely knit relationships in local, growing churches; time in God's Word; thoughtful, fervent prayer for ourselves and others; reliance on God's Spirit; and exposure to helpful biblical teachers on areas of healing growth can make a great difference in helping us come out of hiding."
There are so many other quotes that are so good, but it would take pages to type it here. Just read the book!
Note: If you really want to know what people think of you, try saying "no" to them. It will also show you just how much control they think they have over you. Case in point: I have played the piano in a church setting for about a year now. I decided recently to stop playing. I did not tell the "church" of my decision (other than one person who I knew could not keep their mouth shut: "tell a woman..."). Since I have stopped playing, church members (2 of them deacons) have slapped me on the leg, saying "shame on you, why aren't you up there playing? That was one incident. Another was a deacon turned around and shook his finger at me like I was being bad. Another deacon came up to me and said, "why aren't you up on the platform playing the piano? I said, "why aren't you up there singing? :) Then the deacon said, "well, we love you anyway." WOW. Needed that reassurance. Ha Ha. Am I only deemed necessary only if I play the piano? Which, by the way, there are approximately 10 people in the church that can also play the piano/keyboard. Just because I can do something, is it wrong to not do it? Do I owe it to anyone to play just because I can? If there was a genuine need and there was no piano player, I would play! There! got that off my chest.
By the way, my husband is trying to dodge these fools that give me their "judgements", but he can't be everywhere at one time. He is supportive of my decisions and does not "make" me do something that I don't want to do. But he does love me unconditionally and is concerned when I am hurting and tries to help me. He has admitted that he has hurt me greatly in the past and that helps to hear him admit it-it is healing to me. But he is human and has needs to. He is able to handle adversity better than me because he comes from a very accepting family and very non-judgemental. I pray that I haven't done too much damage to my children that they cannot handle adversity in a healthy manner. But if they have trouble, that they will seek help and that it be from people that are in a healthy place and not someone who is trying to control them.
posted by Unknown at 8:39 AM
1 Comments:
I don't think the people who were bugging you about the piano were serious. Usually, when you have been doing something for a long time and stop all of a sudden, people want to know why. You don't have to give a reason, but they're just curious. I would be.
Nevertheless, I don't blame you for quitting piano there.
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