Alienation

Recently I have been studying PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome. I have read three books lately that have helped me understand about my past. The Sociopath Next Door, The Cults Within Us, Adult children of Parental Alienation: Breaking the Ties that Bind. They were all very helpful. You cannot move on from the past until you understand it and learn from it. No part of your life is a mistake or should be discarded. Everything happens to us for a purpose..we just need to find it. I believe my purpose is to help others that are hurting. I was so incredibly hurt by others's actions and my own actions. Now I am trying to "put off" my old actions and establish new ways of interacting with people. It is hard at times, because my default is to act selfishly and how I acted for so many years. But that behavior got me divorced, morbidly obese, and almost dead.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARA ELIZABETH!

Happy Birthday to my daughter, Sara Elizabeth. She is 20 today. I miss her. She is a part of me and always will be. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her and pray for her. I hope she is happy in her life, but most importantly, I hope and pray that she is doing what God wants her to do. Because that is the only way that you can be happy in this life. She has been through a lot, but God wants to give her a happy life. He wants her to put aside her past and take on each day as a new challenge and as a clean slate. Each day is a gift from God. There is a reason that she is still here on this earth. She is here to bless someone else with her gifts and with her love, if she will open her heart to that. Someone will or does need her. I hope she had a wonderful day today on her birthday. I know every mom says that it seems like yesterday when their children were born and it does! She came out screaming and her skin was as pink as it is now-hence her nickname: Pinky. I immediately talked to her as they handed her to me at her birth and she calmed down at the sound of my voice. She was such a beautiful baby! So perfectly formed and so loved. I had picked her name out when I was about 14 or 15 years old. She was so active in my womb when I was carrying her that I was convinced she was a boy! Boy did she surprise me! She almost got named Otto Peter III : ) Family name, of course. She hasn't had an easy life. I divorced her father when she was very young because I saw no hope for our family. I gave up. It took a lot of years for the Lord to work on both of us so that we could get back together. I was one stubborn woman! Very unforgiving also, I might add. But God was working on my husband also. Back to Sara : ) I am very proud to call her my daughter. She has worked through some very difficult experiences and is seeking to better herself (as best as I can tell). She is trying, the best she can. I hope she will keep trying and be the Trettel that she is. She is not a Goad, but a Trettel. I hope she realizes that. Trettels do not quit easily and Trettels work through things. They are very faithful to their family. I, her mother, still have a LOT to learn and a LOT to unlearn. It will take time, but I hope and pray that she and her brother will be patient and realize that their father and I DO love them VERY much and want to be a part of their life. We don't want them to be dependent on us, as that is not healthy for a young adult, but to let us know how they are doing and what things make them happy.

Sara, if you read this, I LOVE YOU very much and NOTHING has ever changed that. I am not perfect and never will be. I WILL disappoint you because I am human, but God will not disappoint you if you open your heart to Him and learn to cry out to God for everything and about everything. God can take anything we "throw" His way, because He is God!

Bible Reading Challenge

I would like to challenge you to read through the Bible in one year-not on someone's schedule, but at your own pace. Read it from a version that you haven't read for awhile. Such as, I haven't read through the Bible in the KJV version in years and it is refreshing to read a different version-used to read out of the NIV or NASB.

Been reading in I Samuel about King Saul, his son Jonathan, and King David. Very interesting. Each time I read through the Bible, I see a new theme, a new truth, a new "take" on the truth (not stories) told in the Bible. You see, that is what knowing Jesus Christ as your own personal Saviour is all about. He gives you understanding of the Bible and continually teaches you if you open your heart and mind.

What I am being aware of this time through I Samuel is this: As is already known, there was a rift in the relationship between Saul and David. Jonathan was sort of the "go-between". Jonathan seemed to handle it pretty well. Then one day Jonathan asked Saul about David and Saul got so angry with Jonathan (by the way, Jonathan was Saul's son), that he threw a spear at him. From reading through the chapters, it becomes very clear that the people of Israel kept the feud going. There are verses all through I Samuel where it says, so-and-so came to Saul and said, David is such-and-such. Then Saul would take off after him. There were 2 times that David could have killed Saul-one in which he cut a piece of Saul's clothing off and the other was when he took Saul's bolster and spear, I think. Each time, when David told Saul how he had spared his life, Saul's response seemed to be one of love and respect and he seemed okay with David until someone else came to him later and said, David is doing such-and such and David is in some city. Who knows if maybe they could have gotten along if the people had left them alone and also if Saul had not listened to the people? Another interesting thing I noticed is that it says that "an evil spirit from the Lord came upon Saul". Didn't know the Lord sent evil spirits to his children. Then the Bible says that David was brought in to play music for Saul and Saul would be comforted by the music. So, music can be used to take away an "evil spirit". I KNOW it can also bring on an evil spirit. I do know enough about music to KNOW that is true!

Anyway, my thots on reading thru the Bible.

Hiding From Love

Been reading a book lately that is really helping me. It is called: Hiding From Love, How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you. by Dr. John Townsend.

It explains a lot of why I react the way I do to hurt. The most helpful thing I read in this book is that the degree that you have been shown unconditional accepting love (mostly from your immediate family while growing up) is how you are able to handle hurts and how well you can heal from them. Does it ever seem like some things just don't affect some people? That they are able to "shake it off" and "suck it up"? Its because they have had a very secure upbringing with lots of love and acceptance. They really can shake it off or suck it up. Then there are people like me that were told (not in the so distance past) how unloved they are and unwanted, etc.

The book talks about seeking out relationships with people that accept you for who you are: your "yes" and "no". People that encourage you to be "you". Especially if you have had really destructive relationships with people that you have loved and thot they loved you.

Some quotes from the book that I particularly like:
"The family with troubled children is often a sign of some sort of struggle in the parent's lives"

"The problem with pointing blame at the wounded person is that this absolves the helper of a hurting person of any responsibility. If the depression or eating disorder continues after the "sin" has been confronted, the counselor can simply say, "Well, I told him to stop. It's up to him to listen to my advice." That's an easy out for the helper. THIS IS A SOURCE OF MUCH DESTRUCTIVENESS IN CHRISTIAN CIRCLES TODAY."

"Some people have "split off" their loving characteristics because love resulted in abandonment."

"This is where the resources of God can clearly emerge in all their varied ways: closely knit relationships in local, growing churches; time in God's Word; thoughtful, fervent prayer for ourselves and others; reliance on God's Spirit; and exposure to helpful biblical teachers on areas of healing growth can make a great difference in helping us come out of hiding."

There are so many other quotes that are so good, but it would take pages to type it here. Just read the book!

Note: If you really want to know what people think of you, try saying "no" to them. It will also show you just how much control they think they have over you. Case in point: I have played the piano in a church setting for about a year now. I decided recently to stop playing. I did not tell the "church" of my decision (other than one person who I knew could not keep their mouth shut: "tell a woman..."). Since I have stopped playing, church members (2 of them deacons) have slapped me on the leg, saying "shame on you, why aren't you up there playing? That was one incident. Another was a deacon turned around and shook his finger at me like I was being bad. Another deacon came up to me and said, "why aren't you up on the platform playing the piano? I said, "why aren't you up there singing? :) Then the deacon said, "well, we love you anyway." WOW. Needed that reassurance. Ha Ha. Am I only deemed necessary only if I play the piano? Which, by the way, there are approximately 10 people in the church that can also play the piano/keyboard. Just because I can do something, is it wrong to not do it? Do I owe it to anyone to play just because I can? If there was a genuine need and there was no piano player, I would play! There! got that off my chest.

By the way, my husband is trying to dodge these fools that give me their "judgements", but he can't be everywhere at one time. He is supportive of my decisions and does not "make" me do something that I don't want to do. But he does love me unconditionally and is concerned when I am hurting and tries to help me. He has admitted that he has hurt me greatly in the past and that helps to hear him admit it-it is healing to me. But he is human and has needs to. He is able to handle adversity better than me because he comes from a very accepting family and very non-judgemental. I pray that I haven't done too much damage to my children that they cannot handle adversity in a healthy manner. But if they have trouble, that they will seek help and that it be from people that are in a healthy place and not someone who is trying to control them.

Emancipation of a minor

Emancipation is also considered Divorce. Whoever suggests or encourages this process is not out to help a child, but to hurt the child's parents. Emancipation is permanently severing ties legally with one's parents.

FAFSA does not recognize emancipation.

You are expected to totally support yourself financially-housing, food, etc., BUT you are subject to child labor laws until the age of majority if you are emancipated.

It is a crime to have sex with anyone unless you get married. You or your partner can be arrested for having sex with a minor.

Unless you are a rich child actor like Macauly Caulkin, it is impossible to support yourself financially as a minor.

In order to receive federal aid, such as food stamps, you have to be living with an adult and file under their name, even if emancipated. But your main income cannot be welfare while emancipated.

You have to provide your own health insurance. If you receive ANY support from parents, your emancipation becomes null and void.

Many minors that think they need to become emancipated show by their very actions that they are not emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically ready to become an adult. It is like a 13 year old wanting to be married.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!

Thots on Christmas Trip

First things first: today is my birthday! I am stinking 45 years old! Never thot I'd get this old so fast. Flew home yesterday. every plane we flew on was late and none of the airports apologized or explained, just let us sweat it out wondering if: (a) we were at the right gate, or (b) our watches were right, or (c) we had the right day. supposed to get in at 10:57 p.m. and we actually got in at 11:45 and after getting our luggage and getting our car out of long term parking, we arrived home at 1:00 a.m. Happy Birthday! Didn't even unpack, just collapsed in bed.

Not so sure that flying is the way to go. did save time, but boy was it stressful, SMELLY, NOISEY, CROWDED, etc. But, did get to sit with my husband. that was a plus and he didn't have to drive a car for 22 hours.

As I posted before, I had misgivings, expectations, hopes, dreams about this trip. As the time got nearer to our departure, I became more and more anxious. anxious that the worst would happen, anxious that I would be rejected as I have been already. Things seemed to move along okay for most of the trip and I was handling it okay. then I lost it. I was trying VERY HARD to fit in, to not push myself on those who seemed to not want my company, but it was getting harder and harder-especially where my daughter was concerned. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her-which I did get to hug her once, but I neglected to tell her that I loved her. The problem is I didn't want to let her go. :( I didn't know when I would see her again or hear from her again or if I would ever see or hear from her again. I MISS MY CHILDREN. more than I thot. I did get to see my children have a good time, be accepted, loved, etc. Then there was an activity where I was waiting to take a picture of the whole group tubing on snow and as I waited, I witnessed a small girl wipe out. Then I realized that it was my daughter. I felt helpless to help her-tried to. As I continued to try to get pictures of the group, evidently my daughter thot that I would be so callous as to take a picture of her while she was upset from the "wipe out". I again went to her and asked if she was okay. Her response was so hurtful that I wish I could forget it, but its been playing in my mind like a broken record. I turned away and my brother-in-law was very kind to help me a little as did my husband. Then I decided I'd had enough. I was making all the effort and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I was angry, hurt, mad, crushed, etc. I cried for a day and a half. Also I looked through old photo albums that had pictures of all the cousins and saw how all of them had so much fun together, I started feeling guilt about leaving my husband when our kids were small. I talked with my mother and father in-law and of course my husband. My husband reminded me and assured me that I did the best I could That he had made it impossible to live with him and that it was his fault. And his mother agreed. There was a dinner and someone was "interviewing" my daughter about college and she was spilling the info like it was the most natural thing in the world. I have been emailing her for months asking for the same info and got nothing but silence. and then I had asked her about it the first night, and got "No Way". The hardest part was when they were saying goodbye. Have you ever had to watch your kids say goodbye to everyone around you but you and NO ONE is telling them "why don't you tell your parents goodbye". I wanted to cuss everyone out. My children wouldn't even be there telling them goodbye if I hadn't taken care of them, fed them, cared for them when they were sick, left their brother/son all these years ago. I thot how could they be so calloused? So I checked out while I cried bitter tears and fought with myself to not go and cuss them out.

THE GOOD PART: the next morning, I was still numb and despairing and angry and empty. So I started reading the Psalms until I came to verses like "restore unto me the joy of my salvation" and " saveth such as be of a contrite heart" and others. and just started praying the Psalms to God. I told God that my spirit was broken, wounded and only He could restore it and I needed restoring. I was reminded again of God's love and tenderness towards me. And God reminded me that I can't make people understand what I am going through and that most of the time people will not do what you want them to do. :) Then God gave me peace. Only His peace can help.

Christmas 2005

I just realized today that this Christmas will be the first Christmas that our son, who is 18, will spend with his Dad. And it will only be the 2nd Christmas that our daughter, who is 19, will spend with her Dad. What a mess I made of things! It will also be the first Christmas that our children have spent with their other grandparents. I feel like a dog with his tail between his legs. I just hope that this is the beginning of many more Christmas' where people are forgiving and going on. I can't wait to see my daughter, who I haven't heard from or seen in 5 months. She will always be my daughter, no matter where she is. I also can't wait to be with our son for Christmas, who I have seen more often. They grow up so fast and I didn't get to do or say everything that I wanted to. Not even close. But I do hope that they know that their father and I have always loved them and have always wanted them and always will. You see, my parents told me repeatedly as a child that I was not planned, but my sisters were. Then when I grew older, they told me that they wished that they had never had me. I've never been in jail, never been drunk, never done illegal drugs, have never hit them(even though my mother hit me repeatedly as a child and as an adult). How do you deal with your parents that hate you and then blame you for it? I guess my way of coping at the moment is to stay away from them so they cannot hurt me further. I know that is not the best thing to do, but all I know to do at the present. I have tried to contact them. I called and my father answered the phone and said "who is this?". I have gone over to the house where I used to live with them and they wouldn't even come to the door. How does a person get over this? I think my daughter thinks that her parents treat her the same way, but there is no comparison. I have never and will never tell her or her brother that they were not planned or that I wished I had never had them. I want to be in their life and so does their Dad. We are trying and we will not give up. We may not do or say what they want us to do or say, but we are trying and we love them and pray for them. They are a part of us.