Thots on Christmas Trip

First things first: today is my birthday! I am stinking 45 years old! Never thot I'd get this old so fast. Flew home yesterday. every plane we flew on was late and none of the airports apologized or explained, just let us sweat it out wondering if: (a) we were at the right gate, or (b) our watches were right, or (c) we had the right day. supposed to get in at 10:57 p.m. and we actually got in at 11:45 and after getting our luggage and getting our car out of long term parking, we arrived home at 1:00 a.m. Happy Birthday! Didn't even unpack, just collapsed in bed.

Not so sure that flying is the way to go. did save time, but boy was it stressful, SMELLY, NOISEY, CROWDED, etc. But, did get to sit with my husband. that was a plus and he didn't have to drive a car for 22 hours.

As I posted before, I had misgivings, expectations, hopes, dreams about this trip. As the time got nearer to our departure, I became more and more anxious. anxious that the worst would happen, anxious that I would be rejected as I have been already. Things seemed to move along okay for most of the trip and I was handling it okay. then I lost it. I was trying VERY HARD to fit in, to not push myself on those who seemed to not want my company, but it was getting harder and harder-especially where my daughter was concerned. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her-which I did get to hug her once, but I neglected to tell her that I loved her. The problem is I didn't want to let her go. :( I didn't know when I would see her again or hear from her again or if I would ever see or hear from her again. I MISS MY CHILDREN. more than I thot. I did get to see my children have a good time, be accepted, loved, etc. Then there was an activity where I was waiting to take a picture of the whole group tubing on snow and as I waited, I witnessed a small girl wipe out. Then I realized that it was my daughter. I felt helpless to help her-tried to. As I continued to try to get pictures of the group, evidently my daughter thot that I would be so callous as to take a picture of her while she was upset from the "wipe out". I again went to her and asked if she was okay. Her response was so hurtful that I wish I could forget it, but its been playing in my mind like a broken record. I turned away and my brother-in-law was very kind to help me a little as did my husband. Then I decided I'd had enough. I was making all the effort and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I was angry, hurt, mad, crushed, etc. I cried for a day and a half. Also I looked through old photo albums that had pictures of all the cousins and saw how all of them had so much fun together, I started feeling guilt about leaving my husband when our kids were small. I talked with my mother and father in-law and of course my husband. My husband reminded me and assured me that I did the best I could That he had made it impossible to live with him and that it was his fault. And his mother agreed. There was a dinner and someone was "interviewing" my daughter about college and she was spilling the info like it was the most natural thing in the world. I have been emailing her for months asking for the same info and got nothing but silence. and then I had asked her about it the first night, and got "No Way". The hardest part was when they were saying goodbye. Have you ever had to watch your kids say goodbye to everyone around you but you and NO ONE is telling them "why don't you tell your parents goodbye". I wanted to cuss everyone out. My children wouldn't even be there telling them goodbye if I hadn't taken care of them, fed them, cared for them when they were sick, left their brother/son all these years ago. I thot how could they be so calloused? So I checked out while I cried bitter tears and fought with myself to not go and cuss them out.

THE GOOD PART: the next morning, I was still numb and despairing and angry and empty. So I started reading the Psalms until I came to verses like "restore unto me the joy of my salvation" and " saveth such as be of a contrite heart" and others. and just started praying the Psalms to God. I told God that my spirit was broken, wounded and only He could restore it and I needed restoring. I was reminded again of God's love and tenderness towards me. And God reminded me that I can't make people understand what I am going through and that most of the time people will not do what you want them to do. :) Then God gave me peace. Only His peace can help.

Christmas 2005

I just realized today that this Christmas will be the first Christmas that our son, who is 18, will spend with his Dad. And it will only be the 2nd Christmas that our daughter, who is 19, will spend with her Dad. What a mess I made of things! It will also be the first Christmas that our children have spent with their other grandparents. I feel like a dog with his tail between his legs. I just hope that this is the beginning of many more Christmas' where people are forgiving and going on. I can't wait to see my daughter, who I haven't heard from or seen in 5 months. She will always be my daughter, no matter where she is. I also can't wait to be with our son for Christmas, who I have seen more often. They grow up so fast and I didn't get to do or say everything that I wanted to. Not even close. But I do hope that they know that their father and I have always loved them and have always wanted them and always will. You see, my parents told me repeatedly as a child that I was not planned, but my sisters were. Then when I grew older, they told me that they wished that they had never had me. I've never been in jail, never been drunk, never done illegal drugs, have never hit them(even though my mother hit me repeatedly as a child and as an adult). How do you deal with your parents that hate you and then blame you for it? I guess my way of coping at the moment is to stay away from them so they cannot hurt me further. I know that is not the best thing to do, but all I know to do at the present. I have tried to contact them. I called and my father answered the phone and said "who is this?". I have gone over to the house where I used to live with them and they wouldn't even come to the door. How does a person get over this? I think my daughter thinks that her parents treat her the same way, but there is no comparison. I have never and will never tell her or her brother that they were not planned or that I wished I had never had them. I want to be in their life and so does their Dad. We are trying and we will not give up. We may not do or say what they want us to do or say, but we are trying and we love them and pray for them. They are a part of us.

Genesis

I read an interesting part of the story of the children of Israel as told in the book of Genesis. As many people know, the children of Israel were slaves in the land of Egypt before Moses led them out of Egypt. But I have yet to hear why they became slaves of Egypt taught. Genesis tells how. When Joseph was a ruler in Egypt, there was 7 years of prosperity and 7 years of famine. During the years of famine, people came to Egypt to buy food from Joseph. When they ran out of money, they gave their cattle to Joseph for food. When they ran out of cattle, they asked Joseph what to do. Joseph told them to become property of Pharaoh and then they could eat. He also gave them seed to plant fields and told them to give one-fifth to Pharaoh and the rest they could keep for themselves. So it was Joseph's idea that they became slaves and the people agreed to it. Read about it in the last chapter of Genesis. Interesting, huh?

Children

Growing up, my parents seemed to limit or even be jealous of other adults who wanted to be a part of my life-grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. I always felt like I had a very small support system and still feel that way to an extent. Consciously and subconsciously, I have tried to not be that way with my children. I have tried to share them with a variety of adults - relatives, teachers, other parents, etc. But in that process, I feel that I have lost a lot of influence with them. It is really hard to get it just right and then you still don't know if you've done the right thing. Now it seems that everyone but me has tremendous influence on them and I have very little if any influence on them. I am glad that they seem to have a big support system, but it also seems that others are trying to control them and "live through them". They are both very attractive, very smart, and personable. It is easy to want to be around them. They are quite striking physically and I pray that their inward man will develop more and more towards a personal and growing relationship with God so that as outward beauty fades, their inward beauty will take over. I know that my kids do not understand everything that I have done-I don't always understand everything I have done. I do not want to feel or even say that they owe me anything for the sacrifices that I have made for them. My parents told me over and over that I owed them, but could never repay them-I also could never please them. I believe that my parents started out trying to do the right thing, but something side-tracked them. I don't know exactly what did, but it really affected our family. My sisters and I were all divorced from our husbands-two of us are now remarried (one after more than 10 years and myself after 16 years). I want my kids to be able to survive and know that they can go through anything with God by their side. If they shut God out (as I have at times), they will greatly suffer. I pray for them everyday. It is a rough world and everything must be weighed. You cannot trust anyone but God. People will lie to you while smiling at you. People will try to "help" you while they are really trying to control you. The people who can do the most damage are family. After allowing myself to be controlled for so many years by my family, I feel I can express this the most of many people I know. Do you ever get over being hurt by your family? I don't know-not there yet. But God is merciful and loves us and knows what is best for me-everyday God shows me how much He loves me. By the love expressed to me through the Bible, His love expressed to me by the love shown to me by my husband, good health, a clear mind, life itself, God's creation, peace. The peace that I now have in my life is incredible.

GPT.net

radio broadcast

Well, I've had a humbling and exciting experience. My husband and I were contacted by a radio program to give our story of how we got back together. As I put in my profile, I just recently remarried my spouse who I was divorced from for 16 years. We are not proud of what happened, but rather ashamed of the hurt and mess that we caused each other and our families and friends. We sat down and worked out what we would communicate in the broadcast. It would have been easy to put the blame on others, and we have at times, but we decided to take the blame ourselves and admit what we did to destroy the marriage. It was difficult to make the broadcast because I have family living in the area and the broadcast is aired locally. Then we were asked to speak at a banquet after the taping of the broadcast and I told my husband ahead of time that it is always possible that we could run into someone that knows my family. And we did and it threw me, but they were gracious and I was very careful not to dishonor my family. Their one comment was that my family probably thinks that our marriage won't last and that is why we don't hear from them. That they don't believe it is real. All we know is what God has done in our lives. If it were up to us, we wouldn't even be remarried in the first place because without God, we are nothing. It was a very emotional thing for me to do and it was somewhat therapy for my husband and I to do this. I hope that anyone that hears the broadcast (which will be played back in 5 minute segments over a five days' time) will get something from it that will help them. Or at least be blessed with the miracle that God has performed in our lives thus far.